The A word and defining the undefinable.

a departure from what is normal, usual, or expected, typically one that is unwelcome.

a characteristic that deviates from the normal type.

a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

The words above may be nothing more to you than a few words you learned for a psychology exam. A few vowels, broken into a few syllables that make the words easy to read. The definitions are short and simple and not complex in the slightest.

However, a select few of the people reading this right at this very moment know that words such as anxiety and depression are very different in their minds and everything but simple and easy to understand.

Hello, my name is Nikki. I am currently a college student and a waitress (and one day a week I can sell you some band tees as an angsty Hot Topic Associate). I have struggled with major anxiety ever since I was a child, and through the years, have gained other disorders to carry around with me, including depression and minor PTSD. I have come leaps and bounds, I have had great days and really bad ones. My panic attacks (and anxiety attacks – yes, there is a difference) are few and far between now, as I was having them all the time if you would’ve asked me three years ago.  I can go out with friends and my boyfriend without any major worry and guilt and I can go into gas stations late at night as opposed to waiting in the car with the doors locked – an anxiety attack on the brink of happening in those moments.

For as long as I could remember, I was a writer, and I loved everything about it. My first story was written in the fourth grade and I remember I wrote it in the back of my math notebook, it became over forty pages long, and it was about a girl that went into a haunted house at the end of the street.

Throughout the years, I have used writing as an escape. In my most anxious and lowest points, I would use things such as my characters to say the things that I couldn’t, and to use them as an escape from my reality. I could do anything I wanted and there were no rules and there was no right or wrong way to do it.

I started college in August of 2017 and that has sadly pulled me away from all my writing and has created a void yet again.

This blog was by the recommendation of my therapist whom I now see two times a week due to a downward spiral of very dark and scary emotions I experienced a week and two days ago.

Maybe you can escape with me. Maybe you can appreciate the writing, or maybe you are here to laugh at it, that is okay too. The reality is that I am just a girl who wants to write and get my writing out there.

Now that I’ve bored you with the small details of my life, from here on out I will write for you. I will write stories, characters, and poetry, some fictional, and some from my real life.

All I could ever hope for that maybe there is a girl, or guy, like me out there that gets it and understands it. Maybe the stories I write can be an escape like a lot of the books I read as a child were for me. I also want to open up a discussion about the reality and the horrifying truth of the way that mental illness can just rip us down and we still get up at the end of it all.

Anxiety is not a myth. Depression is not just a matter of no longer being sad. Mental illness is real and affects so many of us on the daily.

Thank you if you’ve made it this far – I promise all my writing from here on out will be better, more interesting, and less about me.