I’m Stressed and Overwhelmed

All I see on Facebook are constant posts about finals week. I know I am not the only student struggling to make it through, but I feel alone.

I don’t feel motivated to do my school work, and the thought of studying stresses me out. I know if I start studying too early, I will overwork myself and take in too much information.

If I put off studying until the night before, I will feel stressed and pressured to take in as much information as possible.

My sleep has been struggling, and with the constant changing of medications, I have been an emotional rollercoaster.

The other day I cried the entirety of my commute home from school when the week prior I had been manic – jumping around, talking quickly, and unable to sit still. I am edgy due to lack of sleep but have too much work to do to spend too much time closing my eyes. By the time it comes to go to bed at a decent hour, I find myself lying awake and trying to decompress my mind. Even then, my thoughts are interrupted. I am up every hour or so, unable to get a decent night of sleep.

I feel more motivated than ever to write – in which I’ve been doing a lot of. I’ve gained several followers on twitter (thanks Brooke), from the writing community, I have endless support and advice at my fingertips, and I know that my writing is at the very least somewhat decent. I know I am not the only writer in the world that doesn’t feel uncertain about putting their work into the world. Yet, I feel as though I am alone.
Every time I think about reaching out to family to read the beginnings to my novels, I hesitate. What if they think it’s too dark? What if it’s too vulgar? What if they worry about me? What if they don’t think it’s good? What if they talk about how bad it is to other family members? With these thoughts plaguing my mind, I hesitate, I keep to myself, and the cycle continues.

In times like this I feel as though I can’t really vocalize my emotions and feelings. Right now, every student in America and elsewhere are stressed. Every student is losing sleep. Every student is overwhelmed. In my writing life, there is a writer out there that is frustrated, is insecure, and is experiencing writers block. I know that others fit what I’m feeling, and yet, loneliness still follows after me.

My insecurity goes hand in hand with my anxiety. I fear saying too much so I bottle it in. I keep my emotions hidden and just push through. Ultimately I have no reason to be stressed – I am ahead on all of my assignments. I’ve spread my work out evenly to the point that all my assignments will get done ahead of time. I’ve handed the start of my novel to two people to give me feedback. I am actively writing online and listening to writing podcasts. This is the most I’ve been influenced to write in months. I am doing fine and I don’t feel like it.

This blog post has been all over the place and for that I apologize. It nearly fits my manic mind, and that helps me vocalize what I am feeling and put it into the world. I can only go up from here. I hope that with school ending for the semester my mind can get more clear on where I want to go from here.

The Journey to Find Self-Love

We are built with characteristics that make us special. We are built with certain aspects that make us different from anyone else. So why is it so hard to love ourselves and to love what makes us different from everyone else?

We are surrounded by photos and videos of those that we, or society, deem as perfect. Some of what is perfect is ultimately impossible and we know this – but we still strive for it.

We wake up on the daily knowing that life isn’t fair and that there are some people that are simply dealt a better hand than us.

That being said though – it is still impossibly hard to look in the mirror every day and to like what we see. It is hard to be happy with both looks and with how our lives are going – and impossible to be happy with both of those at the same time. Whether it is seeing engagement photos all over Facebook and still being single, watching the Victoria secret fashion show, or whatever it may be – there is always a certain outside pressure that makes you feel as though there is a certain way that we should be living. A time frame to meet all the expected demands of life.

At some point though – we fall into the frame of self-love. To love yourself whenever you are single. To love yourself in every outfit you wear – and not question whether you look stupid in it. Self-love is different for everybody – whether it is outwardly or inwardly. Some take longer to reach this point than others. Some may never reach it at all.

The journey of loving yourself – and truly loving yourself- is a very long and difficult one. We aren’t built to believe that life and everything about us are perfect.

The journey is filled with disappointment and a pressure to be perfect, but a beautiful journey, none the less.

Self-Love in Moments of Chaos

We live our daily lives in a constant state of chaos – sometimes it is just a more controlled chaos. Sometimes it is a calm chaos and the other times it feels like there is no end to the craziness in sight.

Our chaos can come in many different forms – whether it be endless deadlines on top of bills to pay, it may be as a waitress with the tables that just keep coming in, working while knowing there is an exam to study for on top of three other homework assignments. It may be having three exams in one day and you were so busy studying that you forgot about the three homework assignments due as well.

Whenever we get caught up in chaos sometimes we are so focused on other people’s needs. Your boss receiving what they want on time, your professor receiving the paper on time, your tables getting waited on in a certain amount of time, etc. These are the times where you forget about the most important person to take care of – yourself.

You do not even have to be a personality that is high strung and constantly stressed out to forget about things such as self-love and care for yourself.

It has been 10 days since Valentine’s day, and I planned on writing a whole blog post on why you should be primarily concerned with being your own ‘valentine’. While I ran out of time endlessly, this is the first time I’ve had the opportunity to even open my laptop in weeks – probably since my last blog post.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the craziness of life.

As mentioned previously – it is easy to forget about yourself. It is easy to just go through the motions and to do what you can to meet deadlines, to be friendly with everyone, to be there for your loved ones, to study, to do work, to go to appointments, etc.

Sometimes it is hard to come to terms that sometimes you just need to step away from everything. To put down the book for an hour or so.

Self-love must always come first – among the chaos.

Sometimes you need to step away – even if that means just sitting in the tub for 30 minutes in the middle of the day.

Find time to love yourself and to care for yourself.

It is whenever we forget about ourselves that we become our most stressed, our most unhappy, and the problems of the world seem to push on us until our final breaking point.

So put your bills and deadlines down for a moment. Do whatever it is you need to do to make yourself calm again – even if it’s just for fifteen minutes.