What I’ve learned

In a year of blogging I’ve learned that writing is a great stress relief for me. In a year of blogging I’ve learned that you can be strong and independent – but at the same time still be weighed down by a controlling and toxic relationship. I’ve learned that some things just aren’t worth posting about – that some victories and frustrations are just better left unsaid. I’ve learned that keeping quiet is sometimes the best response you can have.

I haven’t been the most consistent when it comes to posting on this blog. I’ve had bursts of inspiration – so much so that I created an instagram page for this blog. I’d feel this excitement – only to be weighed down by exhaustion after I smacked into the wall of writers block. Today my WordPress membership has been renewed for an entire year.

I am uncertain as to where my future with aberrations lies – but I know you will be there with me.

Why it is Okay to be Selfish

The word selfish is typically one that is looked down upon and looked at in a negative light. Not one person likes to be described with the adjective of selfish, but ultimately, in the world of mental illness and health – it is an adjective that is one of the most important things to be.

There are a lot of people that suffer with a form of mental illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ptsd, or so on. Some people have it in the slightest forms while others suffer in a more extreme way.

Those that suffer are typically those that you do not expect as mental illness can affect anyone – it does not matter your age, race, or gender.

Most people, like myself, give and bend over backwards for everyone and anyone – often at times putting others peoples needs before their own. So much so that they wind up shoveling emotions and feelings underneath almost convincing themselves that the needs and wants of others are more important than their own. Often at times they will put their needs on the back burner, convincing themselves that the needs of someone like a friend is most important, more important than their own emotions and feelings.
This leads to the burial of emotions and stress that eventually boil up – ready to be set off by the most minuscule things.

Not only does the selflessness of mental health mask our own feelings, it also is extremely exhausting. Some of us will hold ourselves to an insane number ,of standards when it comes to being there for others. We are not catering to our needs but to the needs of others and ultimately draining the energy needed to keep ourselves afloat.
I read somewhere once that the development of mental illness can also contribute to a development of a selfish personality.

Do I consider myself selfish? At times. Am I open about my need to be selfish? Always.

For those of us that have mental illnesses we need to constantly be aware of our wants and needs as humans due to the smallest change causing what could be a downward spiral.

Not only do we need to be aware of our bodies, but our mood as well.

Sleeping and eating on a regular schedule are vital to keeping our mood as stable as possible whenever it comes to self care.

For example, in mental illnesses such as Bipolar Disorder, tracking your mood is essential in staying up on it. It is noticing the most minute of changes in mood. It is essential to notice the changes so that those who are medicated can report it to a psychiatrist which may require change in medications as soon as possible.

You must be extremely aware, not only in your alone time, but when with other humans while being social.

Is my speech slurring due to talking too quickly? Are my conversations bouncing from place to place constantly due to my inability to focus on one topic? Are my responses appropriate? Is this how I act on the daily?

We must be in constant awareness of our mood and how we are feeling, why we are feeling, and to try to judge how long we will be in this state of feeling.

Mental health may also come with a selfish behavior, but that is okay.

I am not telling you to only look out for yourself and no one else, and to push people around for your own advantages – being selfish does not always have to be that negative.
So be selfish. For those that know you and love you – they will understand your need to be selfish and will be there to support you and will still be there whenever you come back.

The A word and defining the undefinable.

a departure from what is normal, usual, or expected, typically one that is unwelcome.

a characteristic that deviates from the normal type.

a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

feelings of severe despondency and dejection.

The words above may be nothing more to you than a few words you learned for a psychology exam. A few vowels, broken into a few syllables that make the words easy to read. The definitions are short and simple and not complex in the slightest.

However, a select few of the people reading this right at this very moment know that words such as anxiety and depression are very different in their minds and everything but simple and easy to understand.

Hello, my name is Nikki. I am currently a college student and a waitress (and one day a week I can sell you some band tees as an angsty Hot Topic Associate). I have struggled with major anxiety ever since I was a child, and through the years, have gained other disorders to carry around with me, including depression and minor PTSD. I have come leaps and bounds, I have had great days and really bad ones. My panic attacks (and anxiety attacks – yes, there is a difference) are few and far between now, as I was having them all the time if you would’ve asked me three years ago.  I can go out with friends and my boyfriend without any major worry and guilt and I can go into gas stations late at night as opposed to waiting in the car with the doors locked – an anxiety attack on the brink of happening in those moments.

For as long as I could remember, I was a writer, and I loved everything about it. My first story was written in the fourth grade and I remember I wrote it in the back of my math notebook, it became over forty pages long, and it was about a girl that went into a haunted house at the end of the street.

Throughout the years, I have used writing as an escape. In my most anxious and lowest points, I would use things such as my characters to say the things that I couldn’t, and to use them as an escape from my reality. I could do anything I wanted and there were no rules and there was no right or wrong way to do it.

I started college in August of 2017 and that has sadly pulled me away from all my writing and has created a void yet again.

This blog was by the recommendation of my therapist whom I now see two times a week due to a downward spiral of very dark and scary emotions I experienced a week and two days ago.

Maybe you can escape with me. Maybe you can appreciate the writing, or maybe you are here to laugh at it, that is okay too. The reality is that I am just a girl who wants to write and get my writing out there.

Now that I’ve bored you with the small details of my life, from here on out I will write for you. I will write stories, characters, and poetry, some fictional, and some from my real life.

All I could ever hope for that maybe there is a girl, or guy, like me out there that gets it and understands it. Maybe the stories I write can be an escape like a lot of the books I read as a child were for me. I also want to open up a discussion about the reality and the horrifying truth of the way that mental illness can just rip us down and we still get up at the end of it all.

Anxiety is not a myth. Depression is not just a matter of no longer being sad. Mental illness is real and affects so many of us on the daily.

Thank you if you’ve made it this far – I promise all my writing from here on out will be better, more interesting, and less about me.