All I see on Facebook are constant posts about finals week. I know I am not the only student struggling to make it through, but I feel alone.
I don’t feel motivated to do my school work, and the thought of studying stresses me out. I know if I start studying too early, I will overwork myself and take in too much information.
If I put off studying until the night before, I will feel stressed and pressured to take in as much information as possible.
My sleep has been struggling, and with the constant changing of medications, I have been an emotional rollercoaster.
The other day I cried the entirety of my commute home from school when the week prior I had been manic – jumping around, talking quickly, and unable to sit still. I am edgy due to lack of sleep but have too much work to do to spend too much time closing my eyes. By the time it comes to go to bed at a decent hour, I find myself lying awake and trying to decompress my mind. Even then, my thoughts are interrupted. I am up every hour or so, unable to get a decent night of sleep.
I feel more motivated than ever to write – in which I’ve been doing a lot of. I’ve gained several followers on twitter (thanks Brooke), from the writing community, I have endless support and advice at my fingertips, and I know that my writing is at the very least somewhat decent. I know I am not the only writer in the world that doesn’t feel uncertain about putting their work into the world. Yet, I feel as though I am alone.
Every time I think about reaching out to family to read the beginnings to my novels, I hesitate. What if they think it’s too dark? What if it’s too vulgar? What if they worry about me? What if they don’t think it’s good? What if they talk about how bad it is to other family members? With these thoughts plaguing my mind, I hesitate, I keep to myself, and the cycle continues.
In times like this I feel as though I can’t really vocalize my emotions and feelings. Right now, every student in America and elsewhere are stressed. Every student is losing sleep. Every student is overwhelmed. In my writing life, there is a writer out there that is frustrated, is insecure, and is experiencing writers block. I know that others fit what I’m feeling, and yet, loneliness still follows after me.
My insecurity goes hand in hand with my anxiety. I fear saying too much so I bottle it in. I keep my emotions hidden and just push through. Ultimately I have no reason to be stressed – I am ahead on all of my assignments. I’ve spread my work out evenly to the point that all my assignments will get done ahead of time. I’ve handed the start of my novel to two people to give me feedback. I am actively writing online and listening to writing podcasts. This is the most I’ve been influenced to write in months. I am doing fine and I don’t feel like it.
This blog post has been all over the place and for that I apologize. It nearly fits my manic mind, and that helps me vocalize what I am feeling and put it into the world. I can only go up from here. I hope that with school ending for the semester my mind can get more clear on where I want to go from here.