Vulnerability

I’ve been a writer for as long as I can remember. As a kid I would write fiction Halloween stories, I would write with people online, and would give out copies to my moms work friends. As I moved into high school I wrote my first novel – finishing at an impressive 100,000+ word length. Even then, however, I felt scared to tell people what my novels and stories were about.

Throughout high school I’d be more than willing to post updates on my writing “I wrote ten pages! Only a short amount of time before my novel is placed into the world!” However, whenever people would ask me what said novel was about, I’d shell up and tell them “It’s too complicated to explain,”

My novel, Selection Day, was written my sophomore year of high school and still has yet to be published. Not because of getting rejected by publishing houses or anything – but because I’m scared to put that part of myself out into the world.

I’m now in my junior year of college and just finished a second novel that I’ve been working on for years. I’ve posted a few excerpts on here and have put pieces of Submerged in Paranoia out into the world. Whilst writing it out in my notebook, I was avidly searching for editors and asking friends if, when I typed it up, if they’d read it and tell me what they think. However, the more I type it, the more I feel myself beginning to close off that part of me again. I keep making excuses. Like, I don’t want to rush it, or I might want to change the ending, or maybe the pace of the novel is too fast, maybe it’s not good enough.

My sister has been offering to take my notebook and type my novel up for me so I don’t have to, but part of me lives in fear of judgment. I’ve stopped looking for editors on Fiverr even though those people don’t even know me. Maybe it’s because the novel itself is dark and deals with topics that aren’t light and fluffy. Maybe it’s because I don’t want my family to worry about me. Maybe it’s because I don’t think it’s as good as it sounded when I was writing it.

I still want to publish this book within the next few months. I’m just struggling on feeling as though I’m good enough to do so. I’m struggling on feeling like it’s possible.

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