My writing no longer feels as though it is being forced out of my hands and onto paper (or keyboards).
I am no longer feeling as though I wasted money on a writing platform that I am never going to use like I anticipated to.
I no longer feel as though my blog page is a cluster of bad writing that jumps from talking about anxiety all the way to writing random fiction pieces.
For the longest time I wanted to post my pieces to Facebook proudly, knowing that my best work was being shown to friends and family. I wanted to share my blog in writing groups, to try to get my writing out into the world. I, however, was held back by the never-ending sheet of fear that would wash over me on the daily.
I belong to several blogger pages on Facebook and all the time see people sharing links to their blogs for others to read. I have always wanted to do that but I kept holding myself back from doing so. I had the fear that they would click on the link and the first post they saw was going to be my most recent post, one that I wasn’t a fan of and didn’t feel proud of, hate it, and click off. I was obsessed with coming up with the most perfect “home page blog post” so that I could finally post in the groups about my blog and not feel embarrassed to do so.
I also found myself posting on my blog and not writing to Facebook about it. I felt pressured to put out content, even if it wasn’t any good, to at least get my money’s worth and to feel like I wasn’t wasting money that I used to put into the WordPress account and page I created. I wouldn’t tell family and friends about the posts I wrote because I felt like they weren’t any good and I didn’t want them to read it and silently laugh at me.
“I somehow missed the few posts before your most recent one!” people would tell me.
I hated how my blog post was looking, was sounding, and I hated not knowing what my next post would be about.
I felt embarrassed that I went through the trouble of not only buying a WordPress account and not getting any use out of it, but also felt embarrassed that I created an ‘aberrations’ Instagram page that for a long time felt as though it was going to just fade away into the background for someone to find and laugh at the failure of the account (You can definitely still follow that if you want to haha).
I have only been blogging since August, but it really has felt like way longer.
For the first several months I had no idea what direction I wanted to take, who my audience was, and what my plans for the future of the blog was.
My therapist even asked me at my last appointment “Who is your audience and what do you want them to look like?”
To be honest, I still have no idea what any of the answers are – but I am trying to find them and am willing to ride out the process and enjoy the journey.
I feel rejuvenated.
I feel like a little kid – excited and proud to have “scheduled” posts ready to go up in the future. It is funny how some of those things make you feel so organized and make you feel like professional.
My blog may not be perfect. I still use way too many tags and categories.
My posts may not be fluent.
My spelling may be horrible. My punctuation is awful as I still use too many commas and dashes.
I am however trying. A new breath of life has been breathed into me at the start of this year and I am excited to go through the learning process to see what the world has to offer me.