Writing in general these past few months has been forced out of my hands and onto a computer screen. The slivers of solid ideas were forced onto paper that was later crumpled and thrown away.
My better pieces of fiction writing posted a few posts ago are recycled bits from high school where my best pieces of work seemed to stem from.
I wanted to write but had no motivation to get up, (or sit down, technically), to do it. The motivation and urge to write 10+ pages in a notebook was not there.
Maybe I wrote the happier pieces before the fiction writing to cover up the pain that radiated through me when I needed a shimmer of light the most.
Maybe those pieces were written to simply try to focus my brain on the silver linings of life. Maybe that is why my posts about light and life were happy, but the old pieces of fiction (that have been sitting in my writing archives since 2015-2016) that I felt compelled to post came from the subconscious.
I know those pieces about tunnels and being positive came from a genuine heart. That same heart, though, was also sad but clinging onto the happy moments as a guidance through a darkened tunnel – almost as if the lights had gone out completely and I was stuck in construction for a long time.
Maybe at the time if I was open about finding positivity that positive personality would wear onto those who needed it more than I did at the time.
Two months ago I did not want to be alone, nor did my family want to leave me alone or by myself for extended periods of time. Two months ago I had taken weeks off of work and lost over ten pounds due to stress, anxiety, and the worst depression I had ever fought through. Two months ago I stayed on the same couch in my living room watching the same episodes of Impractical Jokers over and over.
The love for life did not come over night and did not hit me like a truck the way it is made out to be. It was not as simple as going from writing dark pieces to being happy in less than twenty four hours.
It took time, patience, and love and support from those around me that mattered most in my life.
Now that my mind is open and not muddled with darkness, now that I have passed through the longest tunnel of darkness I have ever fought through – it is easy to see the battles I fought and the coping mechanisms I used to get through it.
It was once said to me that we cannot heal in the same environment that made us sick.
This holds true and even though it may be hard to get out of the environment, to accept that maybe things are not working out as planned, and to accept our own failures – our life gets better and we get healthier both mentally and physically.
Now that I am through the tunnel, doing better, and at the happiest I have been in a long while – I am ready to take the world by storm and live every day to the fullest potential.
I hope you will come along with me.